Mercutio

Self-indulgent babbling about a dream I had

2008-04-01T22:35:14Z

Had a dream last night where I was at a house party. Y'know, one of those things you get invited to by a co-worker or a friend, and you go, only the friend never shows up or the person who invited you says five words to you and that's it, so you're left wandering around a strange house you've never been in before, trying to either avoid or make conversation with people you don't know.

I've been to a couple. They're... okay, I won't say that they've been universally bad experiences, but they've certainly been strange experiences.

So in my dream, I was at a house party, on my own, with no one there I knew. The house party was being held in a small Washington town, where I'd never been before (and, seeing as how I'm from Oregon, I'm slightly prejudiced against Washington anyway) and I get to talking with this guy. Physically, he looks a lot like Lex from Smallville. Bald, pale skin, but a little taller and more bony. The kind of description that makes you think ew, but instead, he was oddly attractive, just like Lex is. He's intelligent, smart, funny, witty, rich (not as rich as Lex, but hard working computer genius millionaire guy), and for some unknown reason, seems to like me.

He also feels unattractive and even voices a problem he has where people just don't like him like that. Whereupon I respond that even if he wasn't so great (so smart and funny and wonderful and everything), what are people? Idiots? He should at least have shallow fan-people willing to adulate him for the prospect of money. Which makes him laugh.

This whole time I'm talking with him, I'm thinking of reasons to kiss him. Like, y'know, excuses to get away with doing so. I've got all reasons I need to do it, just not ways to get out of it when I get rejected. And the party's getting later and he invites me to get some drinks and head upstairs (to talk more! Really!), when he kisses me. And I was like, "Y'know, if I'd had any idea you were okay with this, I wouldn't have wasted so much time." and kissed him back and then we're still together but he's assuming it's more than that.

In dreams, I often forget things. English. How to speak. My phone number. But I never forget that I'm fat, physically flawed or married. Not even in my own dream fantasies where anything could happen and there would be no harm to anyone can I forget these things.

So there's that leetle problem where I'm already happily married to someone else.

Only this guy? Is great. My husband is great too. I've described him as my photonegative -- exactly the same as me and exactly opposite all at the same time. But the guy in my dream is better. Also similar but opposite. He has the intelligence and the education, he comes from a similar background and understands things about me because of it. See, in my dream, I'm trying to make the decision. Him or my husband? Who do I love more? Only love is one of those words I'm not so good with, and anyway, in my dream, my feelings about my husband are muted.

The decision comes down to an essential difference in how they make me happy. My husband will give me (or try to give me) any specific thing I can tell him that I want. He's not so good with understanding how I feel or mindreading or figuring things out from clues when I'm not even sure what I need. But if I can tell him, he'll do his best. Which is wonderful. Amazing even. Except my dream guy does understand these things. He knows what I can't fully articulate and instead of needing me to figure out my own problems and ask for what I need, I can tell him the problem or the feeling and he works out a solution and makes it happen. That plus the security of having money is an irresistible attraction.

And that was my dream. Le sigh. It makes the day better having dreams like this, but it also makes me wonder about my subconscious and whether it needs a good kicking.

What I want/need: a sub's POV

2008-03-01T01:20:46Z

So, I was talking to Kate about top/sub things and she confessed that she's a little subby, which I never knew and explains a lot about our writing of these issues as I am also subby, only more so, and contrariwise, understand the top's POV better than she does. Considering that I've been making her be the top a lot, this is kinda funny. And I was thinking. What if I explained what I want as a sub? Would that help Kate understand? Then it got to be an obsession and so I'm going to write it all down and post it.

I acknowledge that I am not a fully functioning adult and that I need someone else to set goals for me and ensure that I keep them.

I need a keeper. Someone who's part-taskmaster, part-personal trainer, part-teacher and part-parent. It is not required that they love me. I already have sources of affection in my life. Love would not be detrimental; however, trust is more important. I do not trust easily and my trust is easily lost. If a promise is made to me and not carried through, this will diminish my trust regardless of whether the promise is positive or negative. A forgotten promise to punish me will both relieve me and diminish my trust. I need someone I trust to tell me what to do, monitor my success or failure, then approve of or punish me depending on the results. (In some ways, I was happier when I was in school, as I had frequent chances to perform and have what I did rated.) Approval does not need to be tangible. A simple 'good job' is enough for me. However, there must be approval along with punishment. If there is only punishment, this will make me unhappy and diminish my trust. For punishment, I am motivated by verbal disapproval as long as I respect the person who is doing so. I appreciate "cosmic justice" punishments.

I need to have goals set for me for my life overall as well as my daily habits. At a minimum, I need to have limits for sleep, exercise and diet on a daily basis as well as targets for my life and career (writing and programming). I will accept other goals and acknowledge that there are other things that I need that I have not admitted or do not want to admit. I also need my attitude monitored and appropriate actions taken. (For example, I frequently feel guilty, sometimes with cause, sometimes without. One possible action would be to set a daily punishment to do to help me feel as though I had paid for my guilt, or one for times when I feel especially guilty.)

This person does not have to be a full-blown stereotyped top. They do however need to understand what I need and why I need it and be able to take action on it. At a minimum, after sufficient exposure to me, they would need to be able to identify a need or problem and plan a course of action for exposing this or workking on this. It does not need to be a successful plan; the important part is that they are capable of this. (I say this because I am happily married to a husband who would gladly take up the role I need, but does not understand it. He would take my needs and have me make a rigid schedule which he would then expect me to follow on my own without the approval or punishment I need or ongoing correction of new or hidden issues. This will not work for me as I acknowledge that I do not understand myself fully and that I need outside assistance in order to identify my problems, find solutions and approve/disapprove of me.)

I will accept other goals and actions on the part of this person as long as they are not entirely and solely for their benefit over an extended period of time (Actions and goals that help me with needs I have not expressed or acknowledged do not count, although if I do not get the lesson after two repetitions, it should be discussed with me, as I am sometimes stupid about how I feel and acknowledging my own bad behavior.) and take my limits into account. I will allow my limits to be pushed so long as it is clear that they are being taken into account. Pushing those limits without doing so will cause me to be sulky and diminish my trust. (New limits and limits I have not previously disclosed do not count.) For example, I am an insomniac. I have difficulty falling asleep if I go to bed when I am not tired. However, I also have a habit of getting lost in reading, forgetting about the time, going to bed very late, and ending up with very little sleep and grouchy the next day. I need help with going to bed at an appropriate time, but if I am simply told to go to bed and am not tired, I will be angry and disobedient because my limits have been ignored. One way around this would be to give me a task to do in bed (such as meditation exercises or an order like 'go to bed and masturbate until you are unable to lift your hand from the bed', as this would exhaust me and allow me to sleep) or to tell me to lie there for a certain period of time and, if I am awake at the end of that period, to allow me to get up for a short length of time.

It is my responsibility to explain my limits understandably. I am willing to work on coming up with ways to push these limits that will not make me react negatively. I am willing to accept punishment for reacting negatively or to discuss the limit, depending on which is appropriate. Failure to take action on my negative reaction will diminish my trust.

Other things that I have a responsibility to explain include things like the fact that I find humiliation to be sexually exciting. I do not, however, react well to foul/demeaning epithets. Depending on the epithet, I may either only react if it is used to refer to me in a serious manner (such as "slut"), or I may react negatively if it is used at all (such as "little shit"). My reaction to this kind of verbal abuse is a leftover from my childhood.

In return, I promise this person my obedience to their commands. Because I am stupid about understanding my feelings and because of my attitude problems, I cannot make a sincere promise about my ability to devote myself to them; however, I am willing to work on this.

Of course, this led to thoughts about submission via email and a daily assigned punishment of having to get spanked hard by my husband whenever I come home plus 20 more if I forget to offer him a blowjob... My dirty mind...

More hyperactive musing

2007-12-05T23:56:20Z

I've gotten some sleep now, but I'm still spastic with restlessness and now working on the other story idea, the Radek/Rodney one that tried to be written when I was in bed last night, lying there with my eyes closed pretending like I could sleep.

It's a dom/sub thing sort of, not in any formal sense, but the kind of way I like to write it where it's not about games or roles but about the fuckedupness in my head and dear God I wish I had someone to scream these bits at that I'm working my way through now. They come out and they're wrong, and not quite right and I have to claw my way into their heads and figure out them and me how all of us work and bare it all just to get to the next paragraph where I have to do it *again*.

It's not worth it just for writing sex and yet, this is the only kind of sex I feel is worth writing, the kind that isn't about just body parts but parts of you and them trying to break free.

SGA Santa/writing nerves

2007-12-05T03:32:22Z

So hopped up on way too little sleep (maybe two hours in the past forty eight and that's only if I actually slept the time where I was in the bed and up every few minutes to check the time), I finished off my first draft of my SGA Santa story.

Where's sirkate when I need her? (Having her own life, duh.) 'Cause wow. Really. It's been forever since I tried to write anything on my own and my god, what I wrote stinketh extremely and it's due, like, a week from tomorrow and -- no wait, a week from *yesterday* and did I mention the suckage?

Not that I'm freaking about that. Editing. Needs editing. Plus adding all the little side bits I came up with for the story idea before I decided to make the idea into a Rodney/Radek vehicle which will maybe at least make this an *interesting* story even if I never make it up into good, but oh the nerves of being awake too long and whatifwhatifwhatif the person I wrote it for doesn't like it?? And ::waaaaaill::.

Okay, yes. Need sleep. Badly.

Am scared though that I still won't be able to fall asleep if I go to bed. Beginning to distrust the whole bed experience.

And where do I purchase the magic fairy dust that makes my story into a good story? Oh, wait. Broke right now. Can't afford it. Nevermind.

Must capture magical fairy and shake dust off it. Aha haha ahaha.

Obviously out of my mind (SGA/Valdemar crossover)

2006-10-13T21:27:56Z

So. I have an hour long drive home from work. And I got to thinking...

What about the Stargate: Atlantis people in the world of Valdemar? Weir would be the Queen, or possibly the Heir, with John as a Herald and Carson, obviously, in Healer Greens. Zelenka would be a blue, one of those working on the relatively new art of science. Then we have Rodney...

::pause for hysterical snickering::

The guy who once wanted to be a Bard until his teacher told him he had musicality, but as he didn't compose and didn't have the Bardic Gift, he could only ever become a minstrel. This wasn't enough for Rodney, so he becomes the best of the new blue engineers. He makes it to 35, respected, genius, valued in his field, if more or less cordially despised by a whole lot of others.

And then this white horse shows up out of the middle of nowhere.

Laura (the Companion) Chooses Rodney, the most disgruntled Herald ever. She doesn't take his shit (because of course Cadman never has). Then there's the whole matter of her crush on Carson and how Rodney reacts to getting nagged by his Companion to groom her and bedeck her in flowers so she can go moon into the windows of the Healers' Collegium.

John takes Rodney under his wing (since no one else can stand him). It's discovered that Rodney's *only* gift is the Bardic gift (irony intended) which he's been systematically turning on himself for years now. (Imagine if you had a gift that made everyone listen to you and believe you -- and all you ever did was whine and put people down. ::shudder::) Something he obviously needs work on, but it's kind of an ingrained habit by now. However, the real question is, why would Valdemar need a grouchy middle-age failed bard as a Herald? Except that Rodney's also the most brilliant scientific mind of his generation. And in some ways, here, magic is very similar to engineering...

Quotation meme

2006-08-15T15:24:37Z

Go to this page and refresh until you get a total of five quotations that are meaningful to you, or mean something about you, or you agree with them, or whatever criteria you choose. Then post those five.

1. The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.
-- Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays With Morrie
I have a hard time with the second, but I still believe this is true.

2. To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.
-- Joseph Chilton Pearce
I wish I could lose this. I fear being mediocre and insipid and this does much to curtail my writing.

3. One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
So so true. I'd go further and say that, when you know you'll win, take a handicap. Crushing others with your overwhelming ability may seem fun, but soon, no one will play with you.

4. Witness at all times. If necessary, use words.
-- St. Francis of Assissi
This mirrors my attitude about Christianity and witnessing (the act of telling others about Christ). If we're doing it right, words should be an extra, not the entirety. Not that I think I've achieved this ideal. But I agree with the concept.

5. I believe in God like I believe in the sun, not because I can see it, but because of it all things are seen.
-- C. S. Lewis (1898 - 1963)
This feels right. It's not quite how I believe in God, but it nonetheless holds truth in it.

blog_mercutio @ 2006-04-22T18:18:00

2006-04-23T01:34:58Z

This is something I shouldn't say here or anywhere. It's self-indulgent wallowing and, at 38, I should be mature enough -- and used to this enough -- to be able to deal with it.

I thought I had gotten used to being an embarrassment. I've been fat, socially awkward and far too smart all of my life. When I was in school, I was the kind of person it was publicaly acceptable to try to humiliate. I thought I'd learned how to deal with that by not giving them the satisfaction and -- later -- retaliating with humor and/or sarcasm. I thought I'd gotten used to being someone's friend in private, but never in public. Being funny enough and smart enough and good at inveintg games and carrying out plans for them to want me around, but not in public. I was not my best friend's bridesmaid. Or any of my college roommates, even though they all got married either right after or during college. I thought I'd resigned myself to being someone who'd never be attractive or want-able and to make a virtue out of not having to care about looks or fashion since they couldn't help me and just trying would make me more ridiculous.

Until today.

I was trying to do something nice. I really was. I showed up at my husband's work and offered to go fetch him food as he was busy (if he hadn't busy, I would have taken him to lunch). He took me aside and told me to go away because -- and these are now the three most painful words I can imagine -- "you're embarrassing me".

I can't find the right words to describe how hurt and humiliated I am. I wish I could bounce back and be brassy and say, 'well, after 16 years together, you'd think he'd be used to me' or something, but I'm just incredibly hurt. I don't know what to do. I wish I could stop crying. I should be used to this. I should be able to be mature about this. But I can't.

Sorry for the self-indulgent crap. It hurts too much not to say anything.

Anger Management: Reinventing the Wheel

2006-01-26T19:56:59Z

So. I discovered one of the secrets to happiness recently. Or, if not happiness, at least reduced misery. (One of the key parts of my personality appears to be an advanced capability for misery.)

This "secret" will probably make most people laugh because it's so simple. However, I'm emotionally retarded. I wouldn't be able to use a book like "Emotions for Dummies", even if they wrote one. I'd need "Emotions for Emotional Retards". What I've learned is at about that level.

Some background: I'm severely depressed and have been medicated for it for about seven years now. I grew up with an alcoholic father, the desire to kill people (my father, the people who picked on me, etc.) and the sure and certain knowledge that I couldn't do anything about either because I had to be perfect in order to get the kind of scholarships I needed to get out of that place and go off to college. (The irony, of course, is that I'm now back living in that tar paper shack.) This resulted in my being suicidal, which after a period of danger, trailed off into a black hole of sucking misery inside. One thing I have had a problem with is anger. I had a poor model for this growing up in my father, plus a lot of practice at suppressing my feelings. I'm an angry adult, although generally only in two situations: while driving and while at work. The first is dangerous, the second is job suicide and what led me to seek out treatment to begin with. The anti-depressants helped me repress the anger better and keep it (mostly) inside my head. But all the while, I was still hating and feeling vindictive whenever something happened that triggered the anger. And this happened a lot. It had gotten to the point where people would pick it up from my tone alone and call me on it. Admittedly, my job played a part in this as someone with a low tolerance for idiots who won't read or listen to instructions probably should not seek out technical support as a career. I've been bothered by my anger and have been trying to do something about it, without much success. Then I remembered something the one therapist that had helped me at all had done. She had given me exercises to do. Actual steps to take which seemed almost silly, but which helped me much more than any of the other therapists' talking about it. (The emotional retard thing again; talking about how I feel is only another form of intellectualization of them. I can do that forever, but it doesn't help.) So I started looking.

The search: I didn't find many resources that were useful. There was a good explanation of how anger works that was quoted by most of the websites I found and, on another site, some exercises for parents to help their kids with anger. The tips for kids sounded interesting, but not particularly useful to me as I'm no longer motivated by gold star stickers and I can buy all the treats I want.

The result: I wanted an exercise I could do that would help. Since there weren't any tailored to emotionally retarded adults, I made up my own. Most of the sites made it clear that the key to dealing with your anger is to identify that you are angry and then make a choice about how you behave. They didn't say how to do these things, which is what I found frustrating, because that's the part I don't get. It sounds good, but I don't know how to do it.

So, for lack of anything better, I devised an exercise to identify my anger. It goes like this: When angry, stop and say, "I'm angry". Then identify who or what caused the anger (with me, it's nearly always a who), what action happened to cause the anger and most important of all why this action caused anger.

Examples:

"I am angry with you because you obviously didn't read the instructions before you called me [in Technical Support] and if you'd read them, you wouldn't need to call me, thus wasting my time and causing me to have to do the job that I'm being paid for."

"I am angry at you [in the green car] for driving recklessly by swerving in and out of traffic because this is illegal and breaking the law offends me, except in those cases where I personally think the law is kinda squirrely, because everyone knows that I am the sole arbiter of what is right and wrong."

"I am angry at you for looking at me like that because it makes me feel like you're judging me in your thoughts."

Why it seems to work: This worked like a charm for a week and is still working for the anger I have while driving. It's less effective while I'm at work, so now I'm looking into what to do after identifying the anger.

There appears to be more than one reason why this works. One, most of my anger is for silly reasons. You can see by the above examples how ridiculous my reasons are. Once I've figured out why I'm angry, I can see that my anger rarely has a substantive cause. This causes much of my anger to dissipate and I think, to some extent, I'm learning to recognize when my anger's over something silly and laugh at it almost as soon as I've acknowledged it. Two, by doing this, I've acknowledged that I am angry and have given myself permission to feel it. I realized this after I'd done it and was trying to figure out why it was working for me. I believe that part of my problem has been that I've told myself repeatedly that I can't be angry, thus when I am angry, I try to repress it, fail, and end up hating both the person I'm angry with and myself for hating.

A word about the difference between anger and hate. Yoda was right. So was the lady from church who I laughed at when she said hate was wrong. Anger leads to hate. There's nothing wrong with anger. Anger is the feeling that flares up. You feel it. Denying that you feel this does not help anything. (BIG lesson. Right up there with the one about seeking medical help for depression is a good thing.) Hate, on the other hand -- much different. For me, anger is the flare of emotion, the brief rage that my right to be ruler of the universe has somehow been violated. Hate is a disgust for the person causing the anger that both obsesses over everything they have done and plans vengeance. It skips directly past acknowledging why I'm angry. It's conviction without the trial.

Examples of how anger leads to hate for me:

[Stimulus] That guy just asked for my name after I already told it to him.
[Feeling] Unacknowledged anger.
[Hate] I hate it nobody listens to me. Goat-raping donkey scum. I want you to die.

[Stimulus] That car just swerved through two lanes of traffic and back again while going at least ten miles over the speed limit and cut me off as well as a half-dozen other people.
[Feeling] Unacknowledged anger.
[Hate] I hope that they get caught. Effing police won't do anything about it though if I report it. Wish I had a camera and I could tape this and follow them home and... (detailed vengeance fantasy)

Anger isn't something to fear; it's hate that I need to short-circuit. Acknowledging why I'm angry usually defuses it. Sometimes, however, it identifies a legitimate source of anger (such as when a user doesn't listen to me and does something that causes him more problems instead of helping). In those cases, if I can act on it, then I do.

The new horizon: While this new strategy is working quite well, I've already noticed that it's only a temporary fix for my work-related (or rather, stupid-user-related) anger. I hate less, yes, which is a big help, but I'm still snapping at them and not treating them as well as they deserve. (For example, one should only rip their heads off after they do something wrong, not pre-emptively.)

I think that I need a new exercise. Not about identifying anger, because that's working well. But about what to do next. About making choices and what choices to make. I don't know how to do this or what I should do. Perhaps the answer is something simple, like with the identification of anger -- identify my choices. I think that's worth trying. But suggestions are always welcome. ;)

A dream I had

2005-11-28T02:29:07Z

Feel free to skip. Dreams can be so boring to anyone other than the person having them.

So. I'm in the ordinary world. For some reason, I seem to believe that I'm 'with' Eminem. So he's talking with his buds and I go sit down with him. They expect him to blow me off, but no. We leave together. He has this soft side under all the bluster.

Then, on the way back to his room, something happens. (I suspect there's a whole chunk of the dream I can't remember here.) Eminem has become Draco Malfoy. I still have a helpless crush on him and am carrying around his infant daughter (Eminem's daughter who is now Draco's as well). Only Draco is hopelessly in love with Carmen (a blonde girl who used to be my best friend a very long time ago), who doesn't care a fig for him except in the sense that it's good to have admirers. She accidentally steps off a ledge into a pond of mud and disappears. Draco follows her. I debate for a second on whether he'd expect me to look after his daughter, then decide to follow him, kid and all. (This is the last we see of her.)

Falling through the mud leaves us in an alternate world. The seconds that separated our drops are more like hours. Carmen has disappeared and Draco goes chasing after her. I try to follow.

This new world is an alternate of our own. Draco already exists here, along with Lucius Malfoy. (But not Hogwarts or anyone else from that reality.) People are divided into three classes: Citizens, slaves and vampires. Citizens cannot die or be injured and may do anything they choose to anyone. The society supports this. For a slave to touch or speak to a citizen without first being told to do so is a death sentence. Vampires are slaves who have died and now hunger for flesh and blood. They range from mindless ghouls to vamps who can almost pass for human and who strategize with the citizens. The Lucius and Draco of this universe are both citizens.

Lucius, upon becoming aware of a second Draco, acquires him. Again, as the majority of the population has no rights, this is a matter of pointing and saying that he wants him. I follow Draco, intending to rescue him somehow. Unfortunately, my Draco (who is not a citizen) and who is deeply frightened, believes that there's no where to escape to. We don't know how to get back to our world and Lucius has the power to drag him back if he runs. At that point, I'm discovered by the other Draco, who is a citizen and who takes me as a slave. The alternate universe Draco has the beginnings of a mustache (a la Star Trek and the tradition of evil alternate personas having beards) and is entirely evil. He does numerous horrid things to me, such as beatings, using me as a footstool and so on. (Fortunately, being a dream, pain is irrelevant.) My Draco is forced to play along with this, although I don't mind playing footstool for him or doing whatever else he wants.

The beatings and abuse continue and I'm crawling around, humbling myself at every turn when, unexpectedly, I accidentally run into a citizen. A guard executes me through beheading. Whereupon my head reattaches itself and it's revealed that I'm a citizen as well. (This is not the normal way of things; in the alternate universe, citizens are born the way they are. However, of course, I'm from another world.)

The first thing I do is set out to rescue my Draco. Draco's damn scared of Lucius, because, well, trust me, the reason Lucius wants a non-invulnerable version of his son isn't because he wants a clone or a backup Draco. (The alternate Draco just mocks my Draco; it doesn't seem to occur to him to beat up on himself.)

We are getting away when we rediscover Carmen. Now a citizen as well and much more beautiful and better dressed (having been a citizen without the intervening period of being a slave), she's even less concerned about Draco or the real world. Draco wants to go with her. I want to tell him, 'Look. I suffered for you. I *died* for you. Don't you think you owe me something other than abandoning me as soon as we meet up with your crush again?' However, I think better of it, as I don't want his affection if it's based solely on emotional blackmail. (This part is where, if this was a story I was writing, rather than a dream, I would completely focus on the angst and shown Draco regretting his decision. However, it's a dream and the hardest part is making the decision.) Once I've made this decision, I also decide to get the both of them out of there, along with a mini-alligator/dragon cross that Draco's taken as a pet.

There's a period of traveling after that. It involves flying in some way, although now I'm not sure how. Something like a magic carpet with a roof towing the dragon pet behind it.

Things get sketchy at this point. We've made a temporary camp in a field. The slave class leaves us alone as we've got two citizens with the party. However, we're beset by the alternate Draco and a vampire incursion. Neither are a danger to me, but they are to Draco. (I help my Draco escape the alternate Draco by pointing out that he's using the wrong words for his own spell. Not having access to citizen magic, Draco is at this point trying to use Hogwarts magic -- which works fine, except he's apparently appalling at doing his homework and gets the words messed up a lot.) I get separated in the fighting and work on destroying the vampires. (I had some sort of spell for this, something like 'Check: Vampires. Check: Exterminate. Check: Other. [The last being the location where I wanted them exterminated at.]) Having dealt with Draco and the main body of the vampires, I worked my way back to our camp, helping some of the slave-class refugees on the way, escorting them back to their homes and so forth. (This baffles the refugees as they expect me to hurt them, not help them.) When I return to the camp, it's gone. They've left without me and I know that they expect me to catch up to them.

I try to do so, but continue to find people in trouble and can't resist helping them. I never do find them and they don't look for me. Conditions with the vampires continue to get worse until I finally think of modifying my spell to exterminate ALL vampires, rather than just those harassing me. This is a bit of a moral point as I've heretofore left those not directly attacking me or someone else alone. But it's this or let the vampires win and so I do the spell.

By this point, the alternate world is in considerable flux. Severe floods continue to ravage it and people are homeless. I don't even know where to start looking for my Draco, and I end up instead first escorting people from death to life (this involved shooing them down a hospital corridor, reminding them of how it good it felt to be warm and preventing them from going into the cold). One of these people insisted on go toward the afterlife despite my efforts. I agree to let her go, then realize I have no right to force these people back to life. I ask if anyone else feels the same. A few people choose not to live, and I usher the rest back into life (which involves walking through a door). Once I've done so, I help some of these people cross the floodwaters and get back to their homes and their children. This gives me meaning and satisfaction. The dream ended with me saying I would rebuild a 'house' that was little more than three planks stuck in the mud of a hillside and vowing to obtain gems to give the family so that they could pay rent.

I think the Draco/Eminem confusion came because, at some point, I needed a code name to call Eminem and he said to call him M instead. Which then changed to another prickly blonde with a name beginning with M. The slave thing (minus the beatings) is My Kink, which may explain that part. I do have a martyr complex, and I've continually had issues throughout my life with being seen as 'one of the guys' rather than a potential partner. Many of the vampires resembled either vampires or corprus stalkers from Morrowind, which I've been playing rather a lot. Other than that, I couldn't say where my brain gets these things.

Musings on Gryffindors

2005-05-19T21:55:46Z

As you may or may not have noticed, Kate (sirkate) and I swanned off to hogwarts_elite where there's lots of judgmental behavior in sorting_elite and all sorts of writing and graphics contests where we can humiliatingly lose to other people. It's kinda refreshing in the backwards kinda way where I'd rather know that other people don't like what I do than be told people like what I do. Yes, I know. I'm messed up in the head.

Anyway, there's an essay contest and, behind the cut tag, is the pointless rambling that I call a rough draft.

::hugs::

- Brave, courageous, idealistic, outspoken, honest / reckless, hot-tempered, naive, doesn't listen, tactlessly blunt
- Aries/fire signs.
- Passionate.
- Positives and their negatives (Mirror of Maybe and Draco), Gred/Forge.
- Self-sacrifice (lions), self-righteousness (Sirius),
- Exceptions (Pettigrew, Neville)
- Plays pranks, inconsiderate of the feelings of others (too egoistic to notice other people have feelings)
- Adrenaline junkies, look before they leap, heroes (and the Bush perspective on heroes vis-a-vis believing you're the hero when you're nothing of the sort, ugly Americans, so convinced of your rightness that you challenge your opponent's statement of the time because it's changed).

Which, all except the adrenaline junkie part, is part of me, so this should be easy, except Gryffindors are so over-hyped in the books that seeing good in them is like seeing something really really obvious (not the nose on your face, 'cause y'know, you subconsciously stop seeing that even if it's always present in your field of vision). Whereas, seeing the downsides is the part that's interesting, because even when Gryffindors Go Bad, they usually still get lauded. (I say we give Snape a chance to get Sirius killed if it'll get him over his whole fixation thing.)

Plus talking about Gryffindor's good points feels like deliberately praising myself. Kinda dumb.

Anyway.

Gryffindors are pretty much useless in the book, no more good at changing than anyone else, except for the Golden Trio, who don't count. But a Gryffindor could, theoretically could be counted upon to:
- Debunk the emperor's new clothes (say what they see, regardless of consequences)
- Stick up for the little guy
- Fight rather than run
- Sacrifice themselves in a grand gesture for the ones they love
- Lead
- Be an example
- Choose Light over Dark, right over wrong, strong sense of justice/playground fairness (wonder if Pettigrew gave in to the counsel of his fears, or decided to use a different standard of justice)
- Self-centered in action, (subconsciously?) behaving as though they're the center of the universe, but other-centered in outlook

There's some Gryffindor in all of us. A little bit of the lion (griffon has a head of what?). But those chosen for Gryffindor *are* the lion. For better or for worse, in good times and in bad. And a lion is exactly the kind of companion you want standing beside you in both. In times of adversity, a lion is a courageous protector who will not run or betray you. In times of prosperity, a lion will play with you. A fairweather friend and a friend in need, once a lion has claimed you for their pride, you're part of their self-made family for good. Drawn to the light and outraged by injustice, a lion will charge into hell, but never join it.

The Gryffindor anthem is that of Don Quixote, undeterred in his battle against evil and indifference by age or infirmity:
"And I'm all if I only be true to this glorious quest
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
to reach the unreachable stars."

A lion indeed, fierce and dangerous, but gentle to the innocent. A lion never gives up hope, and will try regardless of the odds. No matter how impossible the quest or how long the journey, a lion will stay by your side -- the best of friends and the worst of enemies.

Not a word of it untrue, but I want to scrub myself to get the sugar off. Ugh.

The Online Career Advisor quiz

2005-03-18T18:17:45Z

You are just a big puddle of goo, aren't you? You
either have no comprehension of the real world
or simply live in denial. You should work with
small children and write slash fiction.

The Online Career Advisor
brought to you by Quizilla

*So* appropriate.

blog_mercutio @ 2005-02-28T07:00:00

2005-02-28T15:02:41Z

What if everyone could see angels expect for you? If everyone else seems to know the truth implicitly, but you don't?

(Reference: speaking in tongues, Assembly of God, peer pressure, pretending to speak in tongues to fit in).

Poss. way too Wizard of Oz with the great and terrible Oz and questioning the truth makes the little man behind the curtain obvious; emperor's new clothes.

Five childhood crushes

2005-02-04T15:08:59Z

The meme: list your first five childhood crushes from fiction, movies, TV, etc. (Cute meme; a lot of people's answers had me thinking, "Oh, yeah!")

1. Speed Racer. The very first.
2. Starbuck, from 'Battlestar Galactica'. I think the reason a female Starbuck vaguely disturbs me is that she's not as crushable. He's blonde, gorgeous, sneaky and funny. Plus he had sex with anything that moved, so I figured I had a chance with him. (I had a backup crush on Apollo. My first fanfic was BG, even though I didn't know that's what it was. I wrote Mary Sues with one or both of them.)
3. Hogan, from Hogan's Heroes. Sneaky, funny, smart.
4. Jackie, from the Richie Rich comics. He's the actor guy. Dark hair, dashing, funny.
5. F'nor, from Dragonquest. Specifically this book, because this is where he falls for Brekke and tries to win her even though he only has a brown dragon, and there was sex! In the book!

The law of Christ and other musings

2004-10-20T04:37:33Z

Everyone who doesn't want to hear about my naive religious musings should just skip down past the entry. For those who are morbidly interested, see the cut tag.

Some introduction:

So, to lead in, while desperately bad at it, I have always been involved with spirituality and Christ. I grew up Pentecostal, attended a Quaker college and while I haven't been able to bring myself to attend church, I've always considered God and Jesus to be important. I've taken some side trips, such as one into meditation, that I feel were enriching (meditation particularly as it applies to prayer). And now I'm at a point again where I want to study more deeply.

So far, I've been investigating Bible versions, the history of the Bible, lost 'gospels' (books of the Bible written in the post-Christ apostle era but not added to the official Bible) and passages of the Gospels.

I've felt particularly driven to examine what I believe. In general, my personal belief is that Jesus's own words are and should be the center of what Christianity is. The Old Testament is history and the rest of the New Testament is useful, but as an addition, not instead of the Gospels. I particularly feel that much of the epistles of Paul are about the setting up of the church and about laws. More on laws later.

Laws:

One thing I've taken as fact for a while is that the Old Testament laws do not apply to Christians. That Jesus's law governs us instead. To me, the first type of laws (like the Ten Commandments) are like traffic laws, and the Pharisees spoken of in the New Testament like traffic cops. Concentrating not on the meaning of the laws, but more concerned with making fine distinctions in the law and scrupulously keeping the letter while violating the spirit, and writing tickets for others who didn't stay within the letter.

I've read the Bible multiple times; at least once verse for verse, and Matthew is probably the Gospel most familiar to me as I studied it in college. This is where I looked. Matthew 5:11 through 7:27 are direct commandments from Jesus to us, telling us what must be. These are laws also, but not traffic laws. More like the law of gravity -- physical laws that simply are true. The Ten Commandments doesn't mean anything to me much. By even a liberal definition, I'd say I and a good portion of the people I know have violated them. But they're still technicalities. Following them doesn't make you a better person, any more than following the traffic laws make you a better driver. I follow the traffic laws closely, and everyone in my household believes that I'm an extremely dangerous driver. They're probably right. Whereas following the laws of Jesus closely as set out in the previously mentioned passage would make you nearly a saint. Also, they feel right to me. Partly in the sense of feeling right all the way to the rock bottom and partly in the sense that the simple way they're written can't be quibbled with. To the Ten Commandment standards of 'thou shalt not kill', I've never killed. But to the standards of Matthew 5:21-22, Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire., I have killed multiple times. And in the examination of my own conscience, this is correct: I've hurt people deeply through my words and actions, and my words and actions were motivated by my angry thoughts. As I'm a technical support representative who deals with 30-40 people a day, this is a constant area of concern.

Jesus says in Matthew 5:17-19 that he has not come to set aside the laws of the Old Testament, but rather to fulfill them and enforce the spirit. The passage quoted above is an example of his interpretation of one of the Ten Commandments. Galatians 4-6, on the other hand, says in effect that the old Jewish laws are no longer in effect and that only Christ's laws apply. I was taught in Sunday school that the Ten Commandments do apply. I have wondered ever since why the church has a cross, why so many churches have 'graven images' of Christ on a cross. Contradictions like these between what I was taught long ago, what's in the Bible and what I read of Christian thought is why I'm restudying the Gospels. To decide what I believe.

My struggle: (I recommend skipping this part as it's the usual self-indulgent whine I tend to indulge in, but try to avoid letting other people see.)

After reading what I've written here, once more I'm brought to the conviction of how deep my own sins are, and with some consultation with a more or less objective witness, I know how far I am from these standards even at the moment. I'm trying to amend these flaws now that I'm once again aware of my shortcomings -- but frankly, I'm a constant shortcoming. This is one source of sorrow-heart pain for me. As much as I want to be, as much as I may be remorseful of what I've done and thought, it inevitably happens again.

My reading today shed light on why this hurts so much, when we are eternally forgiven. I had forgotten a teaching of my childhood. One that I know too well to ever forget, but had slipped from conscious recollection. I found it again tonight in the lost gospels. I'm sure it's also echoed in the official Bible although I don't know where. This is from 2 Hermas, Command 4:8. For to the servants of God, there is but one repentance. I need to study this more to find out where it's in the official Bible, but this makes me despair of ever truly being a Christian. It, and what I was taught, all imply that we can only repent once. After that, we are expected to know and do what is right and never stray again.

Added to this is that I grew up Pentecostal; one of the key parts of worship was the gift of speaking of tongues. Many, seemingly most, of the congregration would pray in tongues. I didn't experience this gift, but pretended to in order to fit in. To my knowledge, I haven't felt God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit in my life. I believe that God has worked in my life, but I haven't felt it. It's only by what I believe is the evidence of undeserved grace that I can identify it. I believe in God and Christ. I believe that what is said in the Gospels is true. I ask for forgiveness nearly as often as I think of it, because I need it even more often than that. It makes me think that maybe I'm one of the people who are permanently destined to not understand, who hear and don't obey, etcetera. The irony of the situation is that I don't think so when it comes to other people. I can accept and believe in forgiveness for other people; but for myself, I know by the deep down knowledge that was taught to me while I was growing up that I am not good enough, that commitment to Christ requires devotion as great as St. Ignatius of Loyola, as much as I can give. I don't know how to reconcile the desire to go about in sackcloth and ashes and become a nun (not that I'm Catholic, mind, but as a standard of setting oneself apart from the world) with our world. Or with being married. Heck, with writing porn. For that matter, it would be a major improvement if I could just act with some degree of love to those around me. This last is the standard I actually try to live to. To love, to think of God, to try to deal with people with kindness and forebearance. And I feel that's pitiful.

I hope further study will help me clarify further what I should do. Some part of me feels that this study is an attempt to make up traffic laws for myself, while my heart says that continuing to pray every day and to try to put into practice the principles above from Matthew is the right thing. I don't know which, if either, is correct. I hope trying counts.

blog_mercutio @ 2004-10-15T08:49:00

2004-10-15T15:49:35Z

Name a CD you own that no one else on your friends list does:
Music: 'Songs of the Inner Child', by Shaina Noll.
Games: Master of Orion: Battle for Antares

I don't really listen to music, you see. Too distracting, except in the car, which doesn't currently have the ability to play CDs. But I've listened to that CD so many times.

Name a book you own that no one else on your friends list does:
Tamar, by Gladys Malvern.

I would be surprised if anyone has copies of the following, but impressed: Hart's Hope, by Orson Scott Card; Sixth Column, by Robert Heinlein; The Boomer Bible; House of Stairs, by William Sleator; or Alive, by Piers Paul Read.

Name a movie you own on DVD/VHS/whatever that no one else on your friends list does:
Surf Ninjas

But we like quirky movies in my household, so there's probably a whole lot more, like The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Hudson Hawk, and so on, so on, so forth.

Name a place that you have visited that no one else on your friends list has:
Ice Lake, in the Wallowas in Oregon.

The sexual violence thing

2004-08-04T17:05:11Z

I was not molested. I was not raped. I was not sexually harassed.

Not in any way that I could ever do anything about.

When I was little (that is to say, before I and my siblings got big enough to be a serious physical threat), my father would do things. He'd walk in on us in the bathroom. While we were in the tub. Naked. I still have personal hygiene issues and hate bathing and showers. If you bent over, he'd pinch or slap your ass. After we were in bed, he'd come and 'tickle' us. The only way to get him to go away was to play dead. I don't like being tickled to this day. My instinctive response to being tickled is to punch.

It wasn't molestation. He thinks he did nothing wrong. But it's affected how I behave. Of course, so did a lot of other things he did. He was, after all, an alcoholic, and prone to violent and unpredictable behavior.

When I was in high school, I was harassed. Never sexually. Never for being female. For being fat, yes. For being ugly, yes. For being 'a dog', yes. I don't remember an adult intervening. I do remember teachers ignoring this happening. I've heard every possible fat/ugly/dog insult and joke. They aren't funny. This hasn't stopped. If I'm out in public, I still hear this kind of thing. Usually from kids. Usually.

When I was a pre-teen, my stepsister (older by six years) was dating. Her boyfriend had a brother. He liked to come over and have my sister on his lap and give 'horsey rides'. I stabbed him in a leg with a pencil. The lead broke off in his skin. My father thought it was funny.

My father was an alcoholic all the years I lived in my parents' house. He stopped drinking while I was away at college. During my childhood, at night in the dark, I frequently heard my mother screaming. Maybe it was from pleasure. I'm pretty sure she was being raped. My father was the kind of man who beat dogs with a chain, and who repeatedly slammed a door on my mom's arm after she bought the wrong brand of chili. I've never hated anyone like I hated him. I have never forgiven him, despite that he went through the 12 steps and generically asked everyone for forgiveness and has not been drunk since I was in college. I don't know how. I don't know that I want to. Whenever I'm near him, I ignore him completely.

I never said or did anything about what my mom went through. I figured that there was no point. Not only did she stay, but my father had a history of violence (he broke my grandmother's hip when my mother tried to go there for help, and he shot at one of my elder sister's boyfriends when he wouldn't leave). I couldn't see how me making a fuss could make things better, and I could see how it could make things worse. My church and my friend's family ignored what was happening, if they wanted to know at all. My youth group in church were some of the kids making the fat/ugly/dog jokes.

So, yes. I was never sexually harassed or abused.

But I know about silence, and I know how much it hurts. Both to stay silent and when those around you stay silent.

Meme from Variations (Kate)

2004-07-27T23:10:40Z

Had interesting thoughts while reading this meme, so am answering it.

General
1) wearing:
Work clothes (khakis, t-shirt, underclothes, shoes, socks and glasses) and a headset
2) music:
The sonorous voices of my co-workers and the tapping of keys.
3) thinking of:
Beating someone to death with a large stick.
4) feeling:
Wistful and nostalgic, in between bouts of homocidal rage.

Last thing I
1) bought:
Er... either gas for the car or my latest round of prescriptions. One of those.
2) did:
Answered a tech call.
3) read:
Web: Ever Grace.
Book: Path of Fate by Diana Pharaoh Francis.
4) watched on tv:
South Park

Either/Or
1) club or houseparty:
House party.
2) tea or coffee:
Depends. Yuppie coffee over tea, tea over plain coffee, unless it's with a meal, then plain coffee.
3) single or taken:
Taken, so you're all safe.
4) food or candy:
Depends on the food and the candy.

Who do you want to..
1) kill:
Stupid asshole users who not only won't listen, but laugh at me.
2) hear from:
Publishers' Clearing House.
3) look like:
A skinny me. Or a fire-breathing dragon. Whichever is scarier.
4) be:
A hero. The knight in shining armor. With a published book.

Favorite
1) food:
Sauteed mushrooms, KFC's mashed potatoes and gravy, Wall Street Pizza's lasagna, my mom's homemade wheat bread.
2) drink:
Diet Coke.
3) show:
Huh. I just realized I don’t have one.
4) song:
Let The River Run -- Carly Simon.
5) fruit:
Ripe pears or dried cherries.
6) last movie you saw:
I, Robot.
7) last thing you ate:
Trail mix.
8) last time you cried:
While writing with Kate.
9) last person you hugged:
Husband.
10) last person you kissed:
Husband.
11) last thing you smelled:
Hay.

DO YOU...
1) smoke:
No.
2) do drugs:
Prescription only.
3) drink:
Not in quite a while, but if I drink, I do it to get drunk.
4) sleep with stuffed animals:
Yes; a battered teddy bear.
5) have a crush:
Of course. I'm alive, aren't I? To live is to love.
6) believe there is life on other planets:
On alternate Tuesdays. On the other Tuesdays, I believe in France.
7) consider yourself tolerant of others:
I've allowed them to live, have I not? What more do you want from me?
8) believe in yourself:
Yes. But believe what?
9) pray:
Even in my sleep.
10) go to church:
No. I believe in God, but I have a hard time believing in churches.
11) have any pets:
Yep. A cat, a golden retriever and a husband.
12) wear hats:
Got a black stocking cap in the car that I wear on cold mornings to keep from freezing.
13) have any tattoos:
Nope.
14) hate yourself:
Definitely. I think sometimes this is why I'll never be a good writer -- if you can't love yourself, then how're you supposed to love and cherish other people well enough to write them sympathetically?
15) have a "hot spot":
Neck.
16) wish on stars:
Yes.
17) believe in Satan:
That he exists? Yes, but I don't think he really needs any help, what with the way humanity is going.
18) believe in ghosts:
Maybe.
19) like sarcasm:
Like is too pale a word. I breathe sarcasm. I can communicate my opinion of someone with a look. My soul is sarcasm.
20) sing in the shower:
Nope.

Some thanks

2004-07-22T17:56:25Z

Just wanted to thank the person who gave me six months of paid LJ time for this journal. I don't actually need it, 'cause it's kinda obvious how lame I am about posting here -- but it was super-nice knowing someone was thinking about me and wanted to gift me with more time.

Thanks!

Muchly amused by this

2004-07-01T18:03:41Z

20 Questions to a Better Personality

You are an SRDL--Sober Rational Destructive Leader. This makes you a mob boss. You are the ultimate alpha person and even your friends give you your space. You can't stand whiners, weaklings, schlemiels or schlemozzles. You don't make many jokes, but when you do, others laugh out loud. They must.

People often turn to you for advice, and wisely. You are calm in a crisis, cautious in a tempest, and attuned to even the finest details. Yours is the profile of a smart head for business and a dangerous enemy.

You have a natural knack for fashion and occupy a suit like a matinee idol. Your charisma is striking and without artifice. You are generous, thoughtful, and appreciate life's finer things.

Please don't kick my ass.

~~~~~~~~~~

The reason I'm muchly amused is because I've never seen this result come up before on a quiz, and this is precisely the way that people around me tend to react to me. No idea why, since I'm not *really* going to have them killed. I mean, if you have them killed, who's going to do the drudge work? And what if you need them back later?

Ahem. No, really. I'm a fuzzy bunny. Couldn't hurt a soul. Sweet even. Ask Kate.

The complaint fest

2004-06-10T18:45:22Z

So. There's a post in someone's LJ (marej) inviting people in fandom (most specifically the pop fandom) to anonymously dump on each other. The post has received over 600 responses and will probably get more still.

I probably shouldn't have read it. It's eavesdropping, and you know what's said about that. You'll never hear anything good about yourself that way.

I didn't. Kate (sirkate) and I have our own thread of people who hate our writing.

It's one thing to know you suck. It's quite another to have it confirmed. The thread only says things that I myself have thought about my writing, but it still hurts. I've been told before my ego is too easily punctured to be a 'real' writer. Fortunately, it seems that my talents are equally limited.

A poem. Narcissism at its worst.

2004-06-01T03:50:01Z

the not knowing
this unnameable thing that I need
that is so usually easily sated with Kate
with writing that is easy and flows and does not bleed me down to dregs and dry
is not sated

the need is still there
pulling, sickening, nauseating, need.

Sate me.

I would sate it.
But I have no idea
what it wants.
But ink.

Empty masturbation is all Kate and I did today, and there will be no more attempts. Not today.

We keep missing each other, talking in circles around each other
(and the more you get to know someone
the less you can tell them
because you know where their boundaries are
you know what you should not say and what you must not say and how to avoid hurting them
and all the needs get locked away inside you and are never said.
The definition of loneliness is silence
is a voice crying out in the Internet, unheard.
We are ceasing to connect. Me, to avoid being offensive
(and offending anyway, endlessly offensive),
and her for pride
for thinking she is worse than me
(and it's not possible, not possible at all, me am slime scum bad dirty evil wrong malicious cruel
and a terrible writer)

i know it: all criticisms are true
i see the dream in my head after the story is over
and it's too late
and the story is facile and bright and easily shattered
and nothing like the dream
like other people's dreams made text and oh so wonderful)
and Kate has those moments
and I envy her them
hopeless that we should envy each other
rather merge talents and fight against the need
try to beat it back with words and more words
and cathartic endless emotions

I shall write something that makes me cry
and then at least I will feel as bad as I deserve to feel.

Formative books

2004-04-13T19:29:31Z

Time Enough for Love, by Robert Heinlein. I read this book at an absurdly young age and it shaped my entire ethical system. It's the foundation for who I am today. The entertaining prose disguises how much life wisdom Heinlein has to offer.

Dragonsong, by Anne McCaffrey. I first discovered this in 6th grade; it was a allegory of my life and gave me the courage to go on. It made me feel like other people understood what I was going through and that I wasn't a bad person for having the feelings I did and gave me hope for the future.

The Princess Bride, by William Goldman. Another book I read way too young. People think that this book is all cutesy and quoteable, but the truth is, that's the movie version. The book version is both light-hearted and grimly realistic all at the same time. The end of the book has Westley collapsing into death again, their horses going lame and their pursuers at their heels because, it observes, life isn't fair. As a kid, I felt cheated. As an adult, it makes more sense and, on the whole, I'm kinda glad that life isn't fair.

House of Stairs, by William Sleator. The book is about the conditioning of child test subjects to respond to various stimuli. It's a tale of how low people will go and the true strength. Too true for comfort.

The Chronicles of Narnia, by C. S. Lewis. Foundation of many of my religious beliefs. C.S. Lewis has a way of explaining God without bringing in factions or rules. Also see Lewis's The Screwtape Letters and Til We Have Faces.

A Little Princess, by Frances Hodgson Burnett. As a child, I read and reread this book, looking for hope that things really do get better. A comfort book.

E Pluribus Unicorn, by Theodore Sturgeon. A book of short stories; read "A Saucer of Loneliness". The story is about loneliness and sending messages to no one, hoping that somewhere someone will get one. I actually did this at one point, sending the message in the book to a large part of my college. The problem is, though, when no reply comes.

Hart's Hope, by Orson Scott Card. This book is an education in pain, as are Unaccompanied Sonata and Songmaster, which I also recommend.

Illusions : The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, by Richard Bach. An allegory, but a beautiful one. The lessons bear repeating. I spent a lot of time studying them, hoping to become better.

The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams. The story of how toys become real -- an ultimate lesson in love. The observation here that things that are loved become ratty and broken -- but are always beautiful to the ones who love them -- comforted me greatly over my appearance.

They say eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves...

2004-03-12T00:19:12Z

...and it's true. I found out today that the co-worker I've so far liked the best has an LJ. So, y'know. I read it. Not only is she divorced, actively interviewing for another job, and talking about being so bored at work she spends as much time as possible finding new ways to goof off (this while I'm stressing as the tech support lines ring off the hook), I read this about myself: (It's a small office. Trust me. It's about me.)

Today is already going wierd. I woke up an hour late, got ready REAAAALLY fast and drove to work. I was only about 30 minutes late, which did not look so bad once I realized NONE of the techs were here. Not a single one. No one. So guess who gets to take fucking TECH SUPPORT CALLS ALL DAY??!?!?!? One called in sick, maybe coming in... one just didn't call, and just showed up about 30 seconds ago, and the other one's husband left a message last night that she wasn't coming in. Probably stressed out because she took 5 times as many calls yesterday than anyone else. Sure, some of those were emails, which other people would gladly do but she kind of refuses to let anyone do anything now. I mean, talk about complaining how nobody does anything but then complaining when people try to do things. Gah. I'm just sick of all the silliness around here. No wonder my boss is so unhappy. The attendance issues around here are becoming almost comical. Someone is out or in late at least every 2 days. At least my missed time is scheduled (though my boss doesn't really like that so much, stating that it seems like I have a lot of "outside affairs". DUH!!).

So, yeah. Eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves. Personally, I'd never believed that saying. I'd always figured that we'd rather hear what was said than not. Y'know. Robert Burns and 'Wad some power the giftie gie us, to see ourselves as others see us,' and all that.

But, when it comes right down to it, it sucked. I think I'd rather be deluded than know what people really think. (Although, amusingly, my husband's opinion on the entire matter was that she must really like me if she only griped twice about me and this is the worst she has to say. It's his opinion that it'd be easy to gripe about me all day long. Gotta love the man.)

Weighing in on the JC/Justin frenzy

2004-02-23T23:53:17Z

As you may or may not know, my writing partner these days is Kate (sirkate), and I dearly adore her. You may also know or not know that JC and Justin are members of the boyband also known as NSYNC and that they have albums out or about to be out. Because of this, numerous people on her friends list post about the loveliness of Justin's sublime melodies, his TV appearances (with or without Janet's nipples) and JC's new album and which bowling alley he'll next appear in to promote it.

Kate chose to tell her friendslist that she's tired of such announcements and that she will no longer be reading the journals of people who make them on a regular, even prolific basis. Although she didn't say so specifically, it's my belief that she did so so that her friendslist would know why they had suddenly been unfriended and why she wouldn't be keeping up on their doings any longer. (Kate being of the soft-hearted variety of person who feels guilty about not keeping up on all the details of her friends' lives. Myself, as I'm not sure what these strange creatures might be, am considerably less affected.)

And then there was kerfluffle, no longer there, because it got way too personal and way too hurtful. Again, I question the necessity of having friends and why anyone would want them, because it strikes me that friends who deliberately savage you personally in a public forum are not friends at all. I am, alas, hopelessly naive.

And thus we get to my point.

It would have been far simpler for Kate to set up a custom friends group for her friendslist (Manage, Friends), and drop the people who must be up on every eyeblink that JC and Justin make into that group, and then just stop reading that group. (The easiest way would be to create a group called Sane People for people more interested in the non-music producing members of the boyband and a group called Rabid Updaters for the other.) You can then read your friends list with a filter so you just see the Sane People and no one else. Semagic, my LJ editor, lets you do this with three clicks.

However, Kate, being more soft-hearted and less tool-enamoured than myself, didn't do this.

I think she has, as have many others, fallen prey to the unspoken axiom of LJ that you can trim your friends list as long as you don't tell anyone why you did or let them know that you have done it. Unless you're a cold-hearted bitch (by which, I mean myself). In most people, this materializes as posting an apology prior to trimming their friendslist down to the people whose posts they're actually interested in reading.

My own criteria for my friendslist is that the people on it post stories, or be personal friends. I have definitely defriended people for making too many posts that I wasn't interested in. I defriended the otherwise lovely and talented without_me because she posts (or posted) large amounts of JC publicity (radio contests, call-ins, etc., etc.). It has nothing to do with my love of her, but have I slighted her horribly by doing so? I also defriended lcsbanana, who I wrote with and talked to and who definitely writes, because she tended to post many very short posts every day to let the world know what she was thinking or feeling at any given moment and, regardless of her stories, I simply wasn't that interested in her life. Again, I am a horrible monster, no doubt, for doing so, and yet, I can't help but thinking one thing --

do we need two separate friendslists? One to say, 'You are my friend and I love and adore you' and another to say, 'You are interesting; I want to read what you have to say'?

So happy!

2003-12-24T19:19:00Z

I'm working today, but it's slow in the tech support world. (We won't get hit until after Christmas, when everyone tries to get their new toys to work.) Today's the day when the boss hands out Christmas cards and Christmas bonuses.

My Christmas card had a special something attached to it! Another Christmas card, this one from a user to my boss.

It reads:

Dear Mr. W,

I just wanted to drop you a note to commend one of your techies for a job well done. I called in to your hotline and found Mercutio (who not only fixed a Palm problem (which the Palm techie did not) but also helped me to get my new program running. As a service provider myself, real estate sales, I always appreciate a professional and competent person. M should be recognized for her great job. If she needs work in Los Angeles, I will hire her in a second!

Sincerely --
J.B.

And! My Christmas bonus is exactly twice what it was last year! $200! Wheeeeeeeeee!

So, so happy. Still have SeSa to read too, but I'm saving that for Christmas, 'cause I know it's going to be my favorite present.