Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mercutio's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
3:35 pm	Self-indulgent babbling about a dream I had Had a dream last night where I was at a house party. Y'know, one of those things you get invited to by a co-worker or a friend, and you go, only the friend never shows up or the person who invited you says five words to you and that's it, so you're left wandering around a strange house you've never been in before, trying to either avoid or make conversation with people you don't know. I've been to a couple. They're... okay, I won't say that they've been universally bad experiences, but they've certainly been strange experiences. So in my dream, I was at a house party, on my own, with no one there I knew. The house party was being held in a small Washington town, where I'd never been before (and, seeing as how I'm from Oregon, I'm slightly prejudiced against Washington anyway) and I get to talking with this guy. Physically, he looks a lot like Lex from Smallville. Bald, pale skin, but a little taller and more bony. The kind of description that makes you think ew, but instead, he was oddly attractive, just like Lex is. He's intelligent, smart, funny, witty, rich (not as rich as Lex, but hard working computer genius millionaire guy), and for some unknown reason, seems to like me. He also feels unattractive and even voices a problem he has where people just don't like him like that. Whereupon I respond that even if he wasn't so great (so smart and funny and wonderful and everything), what are people? Idiots? He should at least have shallow fan-people willing to adulate him for the prospect of money. Which makes him laugh. This whole time I'm talking with him, I'm thinking of reasons to kiss him. Like, y'know, excuses to get away with doing so. I've got all reasons I need to do it, just not ways to get out of it when I get rejected. And the party's getting later and he invites me to get some drinks and head upstairs (to talk more! Really!), when he kisses me. And I was like, "Y'know, if I'd had any idea you were okay with this, I wouldn't have wasted so much time." and kissed him back and then we're still together but he's assuming it's more than that. In dreams, I often forget things. English. How to speak. My phone number. But I never forget that I'm fat, physically flawed or married. Not even in my own dream fantasies where anything could happen and there would be no harm to anyone can I forget these things. So there's that leetle problem where I'm already happily married to someone else. Only this guy? Is great. My husband is great too. I've described him as my photonegative -- exactly the same as me and exactly opposite all at the same time. But the guy in my dream is better. Also similar but opposite. He has the intelligence and the education, he comes from a similar background and understands things about me because of it. See, in my dream, I'm trying to make the decision. Him or my husband? Who do I love more? Only love is one of those words I'm not so good with, and anyway, in my dream, my feelings about my husband are muted. The decision comes down to an essential difference in how they make me happy. My husband will give me (or try to give me) any specific thing I can tell him that I want. He's not so good with understanding how I feel or mindreading or figuring things out from clues when I'm not even sure what I need. But if I can tell him, he'll do his best. Which is wonderful. Amazing even. Except my dream guy does understand these things. He knows what I can't fully articulate and instead of needing me to figure out my own problems and ask for what I need, I can tell him the problem or the feeling and he works out a solution and makes it happen. That plus the security of having money is an irresistible attraction. And that was my dream. Le sigh. It makes the day better having dreams like this, but it also makes me wonder about my subconscious and whether it needs a good kicking. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 29th, 2008
5:20 pm	What I want/need: a sub's POV So, I was talking to Kate about top/sub things and she confessed that she's a little subby, which I never knew and explains a lot about our writing of these issues as I am also subby, only more so, and contrariwise, understand the top's POV better than she does. Considering that I've been making her be the top a lot, this is kinda funny. And I was thinking. What if I explained what I want as a sub? Would that help Kate understand? Then it got to be an obsession and so I'm going to write it all down and post it. I acknowledge that I am not a fully functioning adult and that I need someone else to set goals for me and ensure that I keep them. I need a keeper. Someone who's part-taskmaster, part-personal trainer, part-teacher and part-parent. It is not required that they love me. I already have sources of affection in my life. Love would not be detrimental; however, trust is more important. I do not trust easily and my trust is easily lost. If a promise is made to me and not carried through, this will diminish my trust regardless of whether the promise is positive or negative. A forgotten promise to punish me will both relieve me and diminish my trust. I need someone I trust to tell me what to do, monitor my success or failure, then approve of or punish me depending on the results. (In some ways, I was happier when I was in school, as I had frequent chances to perform and have what I did rated.) Approval does not need to be tangible. A simple 'good job' is enough for me. However, there must be approval along with punishment. If there is only punishment, this will make me unhappy and diminish my trust. For punishment, I am motivated by verbal disapproval as long as I respect the person who is doing so. I appreciate "cosmic justice" punishments. I need to have goals set for me for my life overall as well as my daily habits. At a minimum, I need to have limits for sleep, exercise and diet on a daily basis as well as targets for my life and career (writing and programming). I will accept other goals and acknowledge that there are other things that I need that I have not admitted or do not want to admit. I also need my attitude monitored and appropriate actions taken. (For example, I frequently feel guilty, sometimes with cause, sometimes without. One possible action would be to set a daily punishment to do to help me feel as though I had paid for my guilt, or one for times when I feel especially guilty.) This person does not have to be a full-blown stereotyped top. They do however need to understand what I need and why I need it and be able to take action on it. At a minimum, after sufficient exposure to me, they would need to be able to identify a need or problem and plan a course of action for exposing this or workking on this. It does not need to be a successful plan; the important part is that they are capable of this. (I say this because I am happily married to a husband who would gladly take up the role I need, but does not understand it. He would take my needs and have me make a rigid schedule which he would then expect me to follow on my own without the approval or punishment I need or ongoing correction of new or hidden issues. This will not work for me as I acknowledge that I do not understand myself fully and that I need outside assistance in order to identify my problems, find solutions and approve/disapprove of me.) I will accept other goals and actions on the part of this person as long as they are not entirely and solely for their benefit over an extended period of time (Actions and goals that help me with needs I have not expressed or acknowledged do not count, although if I do not get the lesson after two repetitions, it should be discussed with me, as I am sometimes stupid about how I feel and acknowledging my own bad behavior.) and take my limits into account. I will allow my limits to be pushed so long as it is clear that they are being taken into account. Pushing those limits without doing so will cause me to be sulky and diminish my trust. (New limits and limits I have not previously disclosed do not count.) For example, I am an insomniac. I have difficulty falling asleep if I go to bed when I am not tired. However, I also have a habit of getting lost in reading, forgetting about the time, going to bed very late, and ending up with very little sleep and grouchy the next day. I need help with going to bed at an appropriate time, but if I am simply told to go to bed and am not tired, I will be angry and disobedient because my limits have been ignored. One way around this would be to give me a task to do in bed (such as meditation exercises or an order like 'go to bed and masturbate until you are unable to lift your hand from the bed', as this would exhaust me and allow me to sleep) or to tell me to lie there for a certain period of time and, if I am awake at the end of that period, to allow me to get up for a short length of time. It is my responsibility to explain my limits understandably. I am willing to work on coming up with ways to push these limits that will not make me react negatively. I am willing to accept punishment for reacting negatively or to discuss the limit, depending on which is appropriate. Failure to take action on my negative reaction will diminish my trust. Other things that I have a responsibility to explain include things like the fact that I find humiliation to be sexually exciting. I do not, however, react well to foul/demeaning epithets. Depending on the epithet, I may either only react if it is used to refer to me in a serious manner (such as "slut"), or I may react negatively if it is used at all (such as "little shit"). My reaction to this kind of verbal abuse is a leftover from my childhood. In return, I promise this person my obedience to their commands. Because I am stupid about understanding my feelings and because of my attitude problems, I cannot make a sincere promise about my ability to devote myself to them; however, I am willing to work on this. Of course, this led to thoughts about submission via email and a daily assigned punishment of having to get spanked hard by my husband whenever I come home plus 20 more if I forget to offer him a blowjob... My dirty mind... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
3:50 pm	More hyperactive musing I've gotten some sleep now, but I'm still spastic with restlessness and now working on the other story idea, the Radek/Rodney one that tried to be written when I was in bed last night, lying there with my eyes closed pretending like I could sleep. It's a dom/sub thing sort of, not in any formal sense, but the kind of way I like to write it where it's not about games or roles but about the fuckedupness in my head and dear God I wish I had someone to scream these bits at that I'm working my way through now.  They come out and they're wrong, and not quite right and I have to claw my way into their heads and figure out them and me how all of us work and bare it all just to get to the next paragraph where I have to do it *again*. It's not worth it just for writing sex and yet, this is the only kind of sex I feel is worth writing, the kind that isn't about just body parts but parts of you and them trying to break free. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 4th, 2007
7:23 pm	SGA Santa/writing nerves So hopped up on way too little sleep (maybe two hours in the past forty eight and that's only if I actually slept the time where I was in the bed and up every few minutes to check the time), I finished off my first draft of my SGA Santa story. Where's sirkate when I need her?  (Having her own life, duh.)  'Cause wow.  Really.  It's been forever since I tried to write anything on my own and my god, what I wrote stinketh extremely and it's due, like, a week from tomorrow and -- no wait, a week from *yesterday* and did I mention the suckage? Not that I'm freaking about that.  Editing.  Needs editing.  Plus adding all the little side bits I came up with for the story idea before I decided to make the idea into a Rodney/Radek vehicle which will maybe at least make this an *interesting* story even if I never make it up into good, but oh the nerves of being awake too long and whatifwhatifwhatif the person I wrote it for doesn't like it?? And ::waaaaaill::. Okay, yes.  Need sleep.  Badly. Am scared though that I still won't be able to fall asleep if I go to bed.  Beginning to distrust the whole bed experience. And where do I purchase the magic fairy dust that makes my story into a good story?  Oh, wait.  Broke right now.  Can't afford it.  Nevermind. Must capture magical fairy and shake dust off it.  Aha haha ahaha. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 13th, 2006
2:24 pm	Obviously out of my mind (SGA/Valdemar crossover) So. I have an hour long drive home from work. And I got to thinking... What about the Stargate: Atlantis people in the world of Valdemar? Weir would be the Queen, or possibly the Heir, with John as a Herald and Carson, obviously, in Healer Greens. Zelenka would be a blue, one of those working on the relatively new art of science. Then we have Rodney... ::pause for hysterical snickering:: The guy who once wanted to be a Bard until his teacher told him he had musicality, but as he didn't compose and didn't have the Bardic Gift, he could only ever become a minstrel. This wasn't enough for Rodney, so he becomes the best of the new blue engineers. He makes it to 35, respected, genius, valued in his field, if more or less cordially despised by a whole lot of others. And then this white horse shows up out of the middle of nowhere. Laura (the Companion) Chooses Rodney, the most disgruntled Herald ever. She doesn't take his shit (because of course Cadman never has). Then there's the whole matter of her crush on Carson and how Rodney reacts to getting nagged by his Companion to groom her and bedeck her in flowers so she can go moon into the windows of the Healers' Collegium. John takes Rodney under his wing (since no one else can stand him). It's discovered that Rodney's *only* gift is the Bardic gift (irony intended) which he's been systematically turning on himself for years now. (Imagine if you had a gift that made everyone listen to you and believe you -- and all you ever did was whine and put people down. ::shudder::) Something he obviously needs work on, but it's kind of an ingrained habit by now. However, the real question is, why would Valdemar need a grouchy middle-age failed bard as a Herald? Except that Rodney's also the most brilliant scientific mind of his generation. And in some ways, here, magic is very similar to engineering... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
8:24 am	Quotation meme Go to this page and refresh until you get a total of five quotations that are meaningful to you, or mean something about you, or you agree with them, or whatever criteria you choose. Then post those five. 1. The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. -- Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays With Morrie I have a hard time with the second, but I still believe this is true. 2. To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong. -- Joseph Chilton Pearce I wish I could lose this. I fear being mediocre and insipid and this does much to curtail my writing. 3. One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. -- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) So so true. I'd go further and say that, when you know you'll win, take a handicap. Crushing others with your overwhelming ability may seem fun, but soon, no one will play with you. 4. Witness at all times. If necessary, use words. -- St. Francis of Assissi This mirrors my attitude about Christianity and witnessing (the act of telling others about Christ). If we're doing it right, words should be an extra, not the entirety. Not that I think I've achieved this ideal. But I agree with the concept. 5. I believe in God like I believe in the sun, not because I can see it, but because of it all things are seen. -- C. S. Lewis (1898 - 1963) This feels right. It's not quite how I believe in God, but it nonetheless holds truth in it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
6:18 pm	This is something I shouldn't say here or anywhere. It's self-indulgent wallowing and, at 38, I should be mature enough -- and used to this enough -- to be able to deal with it. I thought I had gotten used to being an embarrassment. I've been fat, socially awkward and far too smart all of my life. When I was in school, I was the kind of person it was publicaly acceptable to try to humiliate. I thought I'd learned how to deal with that by not giving them the satisfaction and -- later -- retaliating with humor and/or sarcasm. I thought I'd gotten used to being someone's friend in private, but never in public. Being funny enough and smart enough and good at inveintg games and carrying out plans for them to want me around, but not in public. I was not my best friend's bridesmaid. Or any of my college roommates, even though they all got married either right after or during college. I thought I'd resigned myself to being someone who'd never be attractive or want-able and to make a virtue out of not having to care about looks or fashion since they couldn't help me and just trying would make me more ridiculous. Until today. I was trying to do something nice. I really was. I showed up at my husband's work and offered to go fetch him food as he was busy (if he hadn't busy, I would have taken him to lunch). He took me aside and told me to go away because -- and these are now the three most painful words I can imagine -- "you're embarrassing me". I can't find the right words to describe how hurt and humiliated I am. I wish I could bounce back and be brassy and say, 'well, after 16 years together, you'd think he'd be used to me' or something, but I'm just incredibly hurt. I don't know what to do. I wish I could stop crying. I should be used to this. I should be able to be mature about this. But I can't. Sorry for the self-indulgent crap. It hurts too much not to say anything. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
11:56 am	Anger Management: Reinventing the Wheel So. I discovered one of the secrets to happiness recently. Or, if not happiness, at least reduced misery. (One of the key parts of my personality appears to be an advanced capability for misery.) This "secret" will probably make most people laugh because it's so simple. However, I'm emotionally retarded. I wouldn't be able to use a book like "Emotions for Dummies", even if they wrote one. I'd need "Emotions for Emotional Retards". What I've learned is at about that level. Some background: I'm severely depressed and have been medicated for it for about seven years now. I grew up with an alcoholic father, the desire to kill people (my father, the people who picked on me, etc.) and the sure and certain knowledge that I couldn't do anything about either because I had to be perfect in order to get the kind of scholarships I needed to get out of that place and go off to college. (The irony, of course, is that I'm now back living in that tar paper shack.) This resulted in my being suicidal, which after a period of danger, trailed off into a black hole of sucking misery inside. One thing I have had a problem with is anger. I had a poor model for this growing up in my father, plus a lot of practice at suppressing my feelings. I'm an angry adult, although generally only in two situations: while driving and while at work. The first is dangerous, the second is job suicide and what led me to seek out treatment to begin with. The anti-depressants helped me repress the anger better and keep it (mostly) inside my head. But all the while, I was still hating and feeling vindictive whenever something happened that triggered the anger. And this happened a lot. It had gotten to the point where people would pick it up from my tone alone and call me on it. Admittedly, my job played a part in this as someone with a low tolerance for idiots who won't read or listen to instructions probably should not seek out technical support as a career. I've been bothered by my anger and have been trying to do something about it, without much success. Then I remembered something the one therapist that had helped me at all had done. She had given me exercises to do. Actual steps to take which seemed almost silly, but which helped me much more than any of the other therapists' talking about it. (The emotional retard thing again; talking about how I feel is only another form of intellectualization of them. I can do that forever, but it doesn't help.) So I started looking. The search: I didn't find many resources that were useful. There was a good explanation of how anger works that was quoted by most of the websites I found and, on another site, some exercises for parents to help their kids with anger. The tips for kids sounded interesting, but not particularly useful to me as I'm no longer motivated by gold star stickers and I can buy all the treats I want. The result: I wanted an exercise I could do that would help. Since there weren't any tailored to emotionally retarded adults, I made up my own. Most of the sites made it clear that the key to dealing with your anger is to identify that you are angry and then make a choice about how you behave. They didn't say how to do these things, which is what I found frustrating, because that's the part I don't get. It sounds good, but I don't know how to do it. So, for lack of anything better, I devised an exercise to identify my anger. It goes like this: When angry, stop and say, "I'm angry". Then identify who or what caused the anger (with me, it's nearly always a who), what action happened to cause the anger and most important of all why this action caused anger. Examples: "I am angry with you because you obviously didn't read the instructions before you called me [in Technical Support] and if you'd read them, you wouldn't need to call me, thus wasting my time and causing me to have to do the job that I'm being paid for." "I am angry at you [in the green car] for driving recklessly by swerving in and out of traffic because this is illegal and breaking the law offends me, except in those cases where I personally think the law is kinda squirrely, because everyone knows that I am the sole arbiter of what is right and wrong." "I am angry at you for looking at me like that because it makes me feel like you're judging me in your thoughts." Why it seems to work: This worked like a charm for a week and is still working for the anger I have while driving. It's less effective while I'm at work, so now I'm looking into what to do after identifying the anger. There appears to be more than one reason why this works. One, most of my anger is for silly reasons. You can see by the above examples how ridiculous my reasons are. Once I've figured out why I'm angry, I can see that my anger rarely has a substantive cause. This causes much of my anger to dissipate and I think, to some extent, I'm learning to recognize when my anger's over something silly and laugh at it almost as soon as I've acknowledged it. Two, by doing this, I've acknowledged that I am angry and have given myself permission to feel it. I realized this after I'd done it and was trying to figure out why it was working for me. I believe that part of my problem has been that I've told myself repeatedly that I can't be angry, thus when I am angry, I try to repress it, fail, and end up hating both the person I'm angry with and myself for hating. A word about the difference between anger and hate. Yoda was right. So was the lady from church who I laughed at when she said hate was wrong. Anger leads to hate. There's nothing wrong with anger. Anger is the feeling that flares up. You feel it. Denying that you feel this does not help anything. (BIG lesson. Right up there with the one about seeking medical help for depression is a good thing.) Hate, on the other hand -- much different. For me, anger is the flare of emotion, the brief rage that my right to be ruler of the universe has somehow been violated. Hate is a disgust for the person causing the anger that both obsesses over everything they have done and plans vengeance. It skips directly past acknowledging why I'm angry. It's conviction without the trial. Examples of how anger leads to hate for me: [Stimulus] That guy just asked for my name after I already told it to him. [Feeling] Unacknowledged anger. [Hate] I hate it nobody listens to me. Goat-raping donkey scum. I want you to die. [Stimulus] That car just swerved through two lanes of traffic and back again while going at least ten miles over the speed limit and cut me off as well as a half-dozen other people. [Feeling] Unacknowledged anger. [Hate] I hope that they get caught. Effing police won't do anything about it though if I report it. Wish I had a camera and I could tape this and follow them home and... (detailed vengeance fantasy) Anger isn't something to fear; it's hate that I need to short-circuit. Acknowledging why I'm angry usually defuses it. Sometimes, however, it identifies a legitimate source of anger (such as when a user doesn't listen to me and does something that causes him more problems instead of helping). In those cases, if I can act on it, then I do. The new horizon: While this new strategy is working quite well, I've already noticed that it's only a temporary fix for my work-related (or rather, stupid-user-related) anger. I hate less, yes, which is a big help, but I'm still snapping at them and not treating them as well as they deserve. (For example, one should only rip their heads off after they do something wrong, not pre-emptively.) I think that I need a new exercise. Not about identifying anger, because that's working well. But about what to do next. About making choices and what choices to make. I don't know how to do this or what I should do. Perhaps the answer is something simple, like with the identification of anger -- identify my choices. I think that's worth trying. But suggestions are always welcome. ;) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
5:38 pm	A dream I had Feel free to skip. Dreams can be so boring to anyone other than the person having them. ( My Dream ) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 19th, 2005
2:55 pm	Musings on Gryffindors As you may or may not have noticed, Kate (sirkate) and I swanned off to hogwarts_elite where there's lots of judgmental behavior in sorting_elite and all sorts of writing and graphics contests where we can humiliatingly lose to other people. It's kinda refreshing in the backwards kinda way where I'd rather know that other people don't like what I do than be told people like what I do. Yes, I know. I'm messed up in the head. Anyway, there's an essay contest and, behind the cut tag, is the pointless rambling that I call a rough draft. ::hugs:: ( Pointless Rambling About Gryffindors ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 18th, 2005
10:16 am	The Online Career Advisor quiz You are just a big puddle of goo, aren't you? You either have no comprehension of the real world or simply live in denial. You should work with small children and write slash fiction. The Online Career Advisor brought to you by Quizilla *So* appropriate. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 28th, 2005
7:00 am	What if everyone could see angels expect for you? If everyone else seems to know the truth implicitly, but you don't? (Reference: speaking in tongues, Assembly of God, peer pressure, pretending to speak in tongues to fit in). Poss. way too Wizard of Oz with the great and terrible Oz and questioning the truth makes the little man behind the curtain obvious; emperor's new clothes. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 4th, 2005
6:59 am	Five childhood crushes The meme: list your first five childhood crushes from fiction, movies, TV, etc. (Cute meme; a lot of people's answers had me thinking, "Oh, yeah!") 1. Speed Racer. The very first. 2. Starbuck, from 'Battlestar Galactica'. I think the reason a female Starbuck vaguely disturbs me is that she's not as crushable. He's blonde, gorgeous, sneaky and funny. Plus he had sex with anything that moved, so I figured I had a chance with him. (I had a backup crush on Apollo. My first fanfic was BG, even though I didn't know that's what it was. I wrote Mary Sues with one or both of them.) 3. Hogan, from Hogan's Heroes. Sneaky, funny, smart. 4. Jackie, from the Richie Rich comics. He's the actor guy. Dark hair, dashing, funny. 5. F'nor, from Dragonquest. Specifically this book, because this is where he falls for Brekke and tries to win her even though he only has a brown dragon, and there was sex! In the book! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
9:39 pm	The law of Christ and other musings Everyone who doesn't want to hear about my naive religious musings should just skip down past the entry. For those who are morbidly interested, see the cut tag. ( My thoughts about religion, law and Christ ) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 15th, 2004
8:49 am	Name a CD you own that no one else on your friends list does: Music: 'Songs of the Inner Child', by Shaina Noll. Games: Master of Orion: Battle for Antares I don't really listen to music, you see. Too distracting, except in the car, which doesn't currently have the ability to play CDs. But I've listened to that CD so many times. Name a book you own that no one else on your friends list does: Tamar, by Gladys Malvern. I would be surprised if anyone has copies of the following, but impressed: Hart's Hope, by Orson Scott Card; Sixth Column, by Robert Heinlein; The Boomer Bible; House of Stairs, by William Sleator; or Alive, by Piers Paul Read. Name a movie you own on DVD/VHS/whatever that no one else on your friends list does: Surf Ninjas But we like quirky movies in my household, so there's probably a whole lot more, like The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Hudson Hawk, and so on, so on, so forth. Name a place that you have visited that no one else on your friends list has: Ice Lake, in the Wallowas in Oregon. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
9:29 am	The sexual violence thing I was not molested. I was not raped. I was not sexually harassed. Not in any way that I could ever do anything about. When I was little (that is to say, before I and my siblings got big enough to be a serious physical threat), my father would do things. He'd walk in on us in the bathroom. While we were in the tub. Naked. I still have personal hygiene issues and hate bathing and showers. If you bent over, he'd pinch or slap your ass. After we were in bed, he'd come and 'tickle' us. The only way to get him to go away was to play dead. I don't like being tickled to this day. My instinctive response to being tickled is to punch. It wasn't molestation. He thinks he did nothing wrong. But it's affected how I behave. Of course, so did a lot of other things he did. He was, after all, an alcoholic, and prone to violent and unpredictable behavior. When I was in high school, I was harassed. Never sexually. Never for being female. For being fat, yes. For being ugly, yes. For being 'a dog', yes. I don't remember an adult intervening. I do remember teachers ignoring this happening. I've heard every possible fat/ugly/dog insult and joke. They aren't funny. This hasn't stopped. If I'm out in public, I still hear this kind of thing. Usually from kids. Usually. When I was a pre-teen, my stepsister (older by six years) was dating. Her boyfriend had a brother. He liked to come over and have my sister on his lap and give 'horsey rides'. I stabbed him in a leg with a pencil. The lead broke off in his skin. My father thought it was funny. My father was an alcoholic all the years I lived in my parents' house. He stopped drinking while I was away at college. During my childhood, at night in the dark, I frequently heard my mother screaming. Maybe it was from pleasure. I'm pretty sure she was being raped. My father was the kind of man who beat dogs with a chain, and who repeatedly slammed a door on my mom's arm after she bought the wrong brand of chili. I've never hated anyone like I hated him. I have never forgiven him, despite that he went through the 12 steps and generically asked everyone for forgiveness and has not been drunk since I was in college. I don't know how. I don't know that I want to. Whenever I'm near him, I ignore him completely. I never said or did anything about what my mom went through. I figured that there was no point. Not only did she stay, but my father had a history of violence (he broke my grandmother's hip when my mother tried to go there for help, and he shot at one of my elder sister's boyfriends when he wouldn't leave). I couldn't see how me making a fuss could make things better, and I could see how it could make things worse. My church and my friend's family ignored what was happening, if they wanted to know at all. My youth group in church were some of the kids making the fat/ugly/dog jokes. So, yes. I was never sexually harassed or abused. But I know about silence, and I know how much it hurts. Both to stay silent and when those around you stay silent. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
2:28 pm	Meme from Variations (Kate) Had interesting thoughts while reading this meme, so am answering it. General 1) wearing: Work clothes (khakis, t-shirt, underclothes, shoes, socks and glasses) and a headset 2) music: The sonorous voices of my co-workers and the tapping of keys. 3) thinking of: Beating someone to death with a large stick. 4) feeling: Wistful and nostalgic, in between bouts of homocidal rage. Last thing I 1) bought: Er... either gas for the car or my latest round of prescriptions. One of those. 2) did: Answered a tech call. 3) read: Web: Ever Grace. Book: Path of Fate by Diana Pharaoh Francis. 4) watched on tv: South Park Either/Or 1) club or houseparty: House party. 2) tea or coffee: Depends. Yuppie coffee over tea, tea over plain coffee, unless it's with a meal, then plain coffee. 3) single or taken: Taken, so you're all safe. 4) food or candy: Depends on the food and the candy. Who do you want to.. 1) kill: Stupid asshole users who not only won't listen, but laugh at me. 2) hear from: Publishers' Clearing House. 3) look like: A skinny me. Or a fire-breathing dragon. Whichever is scarier. 4) be: A hero. The knight in shining armor. With a published book. Favorite 1) food: Sauteed mushrooms, KFC's mashed potatoes and gravy, Wall Street Pizza's lasagna, my mom's homemade wheat bread. 2) drink: Diet Coke. 3) show: Huh. I just realized I don’t have one. 4) song: Let The River Run -- Carly Simon. 5) fruit: Ripe pears or dried cherries. 6) last movie you saw: I, Robot. 7) last thing you ate: Trail mix. 8) last time you cried: While writing with Kate. 9) last person you hugged: Husband. 10) last person you kissed: Husband. 11) last thing you smelled: Hay. DO YOU... 1) smoke: No. 2) do drugs: Prescription only. 3) drink: Not in quite a while, but if I drink, I do it to get drunk. 4) sleep with stuffed animals: Yes; a battered teddy bear. 5) have a crush: Of course. I'm alive, aren't I? To live is to love. 6) believe there is life on other planets: On alternate Tuesdays. On the other Tuesdays, I believe in France. 7) consider yourself tolerant of others: I've allowed them to live, have I not? What more do you want from me? 8) believe in yourself: Yes. But believe what? 9) pray: Even in my sleep. 10) go to church: No. I believe in God, but I have a hard time believing in churches. 11) have any pets: Yep. A cat, a golden retriever and a husband. 12) wear hats: Got a black stocking cap in the car that I wear on cold mornings to keep from freezing. 13) have any tattoos: Nope. 14) hate yourself: Definitely. I think sometimes this is why I'll never be a good writer -- if you can't love yourself, then how're you supposed to love and cherish other people well enough to write them sympathetically? 15) have a "hot spot": Neck. 16) wish on stars: Yes. 17) believe in Satan: That he exists? Yes, but I don't think he really needs any help, what with the way humanity is going. 18) believe in ghosts: Maybe. 19) like sarcasm: Like is too pale a word. I breathe sarcasm. I can communicate my opinion of someone with a look. My soul is sarcasm. 20) sing in the shower: Nope. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
10:55 am	Some thanks Just wanted to thank the person who gave me six months of paid LJ time for this journal. I don't actually need it, 'cause it's kinda obvious how lame I am about posting here -- but it was super-nice knowing someone was thinking about me and wanted to gift me with more time. Thanks! (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 1st, 2004
11:00 am	Muchly amused by this 20 Questions to a Better Personality You are an SRDL--Sober Rational Destructive Leader. This makes you a mob boss. You are the ultimate alpha person and even your friends give you your space. You can't stand whiners, weaklings, schlemiels or schlemozzles. You don't make many jokes, but when you do, others laugh out loud. They must. People often turn to you for advice, and wisely. You are calm in a crisis, cautious in a tempest, and attuned to even the finest details. Yours is the profile of a smart head for business and a dangerous enemy. You have a natural knack for fashion and occupy a suit like a matinee idol. Your charisma is striking and without artifice. You are generous, thoughtful, and appreciate life's finer things. Please don't kick my ass. ~~~~~~~~~~ The reason I'm muchly amused is because I've never seen this result come up before on a quiz, and this is precisely the way that people around me tend to react to me. No idea why, since I'm not *really* going to have them killed. I mean, if you have them killed, who's going to do the drudge work? And what if you need them back later? Ahem. No, really. I'm a fuzzy bunny. Couldn't hurt a soul. Sweet even. Ask Kate. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 10th, 2004
11:38 am	The complaint fest So. There's a post in someone's LJ (marej) inviting people in fandom (most specifically the pop fandom) to anonymously dump on each other. The post has received over 600 responses and will probably get more still. I probably shouldn't have read it. It's eavesdropping, and you know what's said about that. You'll never hear anything good about yourself that way. I didn't. Kate (sirkate) and I have our own thread of people who hate our writing. It's one thing to know you suck. It's quite another to have it confirmed. The thread only says things that I myself have thought about my writing, but it still hurts. I've been told before my ego is too easily punctured to be a 'real' writer. Fortunately, it seems that my talents are equally limited. (16 Comments |Comment on this)